S.J. Perelman quotes

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I haven't eaten in three days. I didn't eat yesterday, I didn't eat today and I'm not going to eat tomorrow. That makes it three d ...
I tell you, you're ruining that boy. You're ruining him. Why can't you do as much for me?
When I was your age I went to bed right after supper. Sometimes I went to bed before supper. Sometimes I went without supper and d ...
Oh, the shame of it! That I should live to see a son of mine try to take a dame away from his father!
I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech and that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of it mys ...
I love sitting on your lap. I could sit here all day if you didn't stand up.
'Anything further, Father?' That can't be right. Isn't it 'anything farther, further?'
Why don't you go home to your wife? I'll tell you what. I'll go home to your wife and outside of the improvements, you'll never kn ...
How much would it cost you to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?
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